There is nothing as contradictory and confusing as there is being a queer Christian. I should know, I am one myself.
This year, I learned that my worries were true: I’m bisexual. It had been in the back of my mind since I was 11
and discovered porn. And before you say anything, I’ve tried being straight. My sexuality is not a choice–I wish it was. Sometimes, I still doubt it, but I think that’s my homophobia talking.
Although I grew up in a very conservative household, my parents were and are very accepting. My mom’s cousin, who she is very close to, is gay. Her mother, who was 84 when she died (and Methodist), even supported gays. My dad had a stance against the LGBT community until the past few years. He… still has some problems, specifically with the T part, and he still has some weird little things with the community, but it’s all to be expected. It’s definitely a blessing that I can feel relatively comfortable around them.
Though my parents were very accepting when I came out, there were a couple problems. Despite being as accepting as they are, when you’re a part of the Church, you’re going to have at least a little bit of homophobia at all times. It’s still an awkward subject to talk to them about, despite being very open about my romantic life before I came out.
You see, whatever you believe, it doesn’t matter. This post is not about what God thinks about homosexuality. It’s not even what the Bible says about homosexuality. This post is about being stuck in the middle of two groups.
If I came out as bisexual, 99.99% of churches would not accept me. There are some that would, granted, but even a large portion of those would just tolerate it, not completely accept it. As a bisexual, I’m lucky that I can still date men and appear heterosexual, but being bi… I wouldn’t say it’s part of my identity, exactly, as it is such a small part of my life, but it is a part of me no matter what. Worshiping God with others has nothing to do with my sexuality, but it will always be in the back of my mind. If I came out as bisexual to any person at any church I may join, the best reaction would be that I would be shunned. The worst is that I would be killed. I can’t just ignore that.
Am I actively afraid of being killed for my sexuality? No, not really.
I wanna die anyway AMIRIGHT GUYS. I’m more afraid of bullying and people not liking me. I’m afraid people will think I’m bisexual because I choose to and if I prayed more I’ll become straight. I’m afraid that they’ll think I’m a bad and sinful person and I shouldn’t call myself a Christian since I’m bisexual.
There’s also the fact that I’m much more left leaning than most Christians. Most of them are heavy right wingers, a few are centrists/moderates, but finding anybody in the Church who is even a least bit left is like finding fast food that’s healthy for you. It practically doesn’t exist. While politics shouldn’t matter the least bit in church, where you should be worshiping God and not really talking about politics, it’s probably obvious to you and everybody else that there are many people in the Church who don’t accept anyone who is the least bit different minded, else they are labeled a “liberal” (said in a derogatory way) and shunned. Of course, not everybody is like that, granted, but it is a big portion, and we all know that.
And I’m not saying there aren’t people on the left who aren’t like that either, because there certainly are. I’m just saying that it’s hard to fit into someplace where most of the people won’t like you and don’t want you there.
But I cannot find much console in the LGBT community, either. For two reasons, actually.
As accepting as they are, most of them have a bad taste in their mouths about Christianity–granted, a lot of it is probably warranted. I’ll definitely admit that. People who label themselves as Christians who actually aren’t can be horrible people. But nonetheless, being Christian has its implications and it’s hard telling everybody I meet in the community that “Hey, I’m a Christian. But not the bad kind of Christian. No, no, I’m bi. Gays are totally cool with me. And trans people! No I don’t think all fags go to hell–is that salt?” It’s also hard to be a Christian in the community because, technically, no matter where you go to church, if you even decide to go to church, you’re associating yourself with people who hate the LGBT. Even if you tell them you’re totally cool with gays, they’re still going to judge you because why would you associate yourself with awful people like that? It’s a valid criticism, but it’s a hard one. I struggled with this before I even realized I was bi, but it’s an even bigger problem now.
And that’s not the only reason I don’t fit in with the LGBT community. You see, even though the B in LGBT stands for bisexual, there are many people in the community who don’t accept bisexuality, for mainly two reasons: They either don’t believe it’s a thing (“you’re either straight or you’re gay, there’s no inbetween”), or you’re “too straight.” Yeah, that is a thing that a lot of people think. I promise, it’s real. After being bullied and shunned by their peers, when some people become openly LGBT, they think it’s a one side versus the other side battle–the LGBT versus straight cispeople.
While the LGBT community is far more accepting than the Church is (sorry, it’s true, you know it’s true), at the same time, I feel less at home there. I’m sure that it’s my homophobia talking, the homophobia I grew up with and am still dealing with to this day, but it’s how I feel. I grew up with Christians. Being a Christian is a bigger part of my life than being bi is. But at the same time, I feel like if I went back to trying out churches to eventually stay in one, it would be like coming back to an abusive ex. At the very most, I would have to actively hide a part of who I am. I’d feel like I’m lying to these people.
You see, realizing you’re queer as a Christian comes with the first problem, “is being homosexual bad?” You can choose what you believe, but the hardest and most frustrating question is actually the one you have after that: “Where do I fit in?”
Surprisingly enough, there are some other queer Christians out there. Not many, but some. But it feels like an empty community. People like us struggle with what we believe the Bible says about our sexuality. Some say fuck it, go all out, but others say to remain celibate. But no matter what, there’s a hollow presence there. Everybody is insecure. Everybody there is struggling with their own homophobia. We don’t know what to do, or what to believe. Some struggle with their belief in God. Some struggle with their belief in homosexuality. Nobody has satisfying answers, and the answer to the question, “where do I fit in?” will never be satisfying either, because we don’t fit in.