I grew up in a Christian and conservative household in America, and I’ll be the first to say that I’m so blessed that I was. I could’ve been born in Saudi Arabia and married at 12 with no rights and abused like cattle, but that doesn’t mean I don’t take things for granted sometimes. It’s human to occasionally forget how good we have it. However, we should still try to enjoy what we have as much as we can, because we can lose it at any moment.
I deleted my Facebook about half a year ago after I almost had a mental breakdown, and it’s probably one of the better decisions I’ve made. People like to pretend they’re happy all the time and have a perfect life with perfect children and perfect grades with a perfect job. It’s not wrong to only post happy things that happen in your life, because why would you want to put up things that are bad? But a serious problem with social media is that it leads us into thinking everybody has their lives together–everyone except us. This leads to a competition of sorts and extra agony that we don’t need when we want things to go a certain way. This was one of the main reasons I deleted my Facebook, but it’s not the only reason.
You see, I’m a Christian. I used to be homeschooled, so all of my interactions were either from homeschool get-togethers, or mainly church. So I know a lot of Christians and conservatives, and I was friends with a lot of them on Facebook.
I was at a friend’s house a couple weeks ago, and we were talking about our faith. We discussed the hypocrisies of some Christians and she had said something that I’ve been wanting but afraid to say.
“I try not to tell others I’m Christian because I don’t want them to assume things about me.”
In my most popular post on this website, I mentioned that telling others that I’m Christian comes with the implication that I hate queer people, which is kind of ironic, because I am queer. But that’s not the only implication that comes with calling yourself a Christian.
I know a lot of Christians, one of them being my dad, as much as I love him, who, with all of their hearts, bodies, souls, minds, can’t stand liberals, and boy do they show it on social media. They’ll tell you that they love everybody. They’ll be the first who come up to new people who go in those church doors and shake their hands. They’ll volunteer at charities and VBS and give Bibles out to all those little poor black kids, but if you’re a liberal, by God you are too far gone and you are the problem with this world and this country and you should get over those safe spaces where you won’t feel judged for once in your life for being something you were born as–kinda like a church is supposed to be–because the real world isn’t going to be like that, so get over it, you pussies.
I know a lot of Christians who want schools to teach kids about God and about creationism because of religious freedom, but don’t want the schools to teach any other religion. They want their faith to be put first, because they’re special, but if you teach Islam in schools, you’re doing the Devil’s work.
I know a lot of Christians who say they’re good people. They say that they go to church every Sunday. They give 10% of their income to God–maybe even more! They help out with ministries, they go to schools and give out food, they’ll witness to prostitutes, they’ll say that they won’t judge you. But if you’re Muslim, get the fuck away from my family because you’ll blow us all up. If you’re gay, get away from my kids because for the love of God, how dare you rub your gay on my kids. If you’re atheist, how dare you have different beliefs, you just hate God and you must be possessed by the Devil, Lord have mercy on you.
Guess what, bitch? If all Muslims were terrorists, we would all be dead since there are over 1 billion of them. We wouldn’t stand a fucking chance!
I just finished reading this article by Kevin Garcia called “I Don’t Know Why I’m Still a Christian.” You should absolutely go read it, but I would like to add some of my words to some things he says.
“Jesus, the subversive, radical, infinitely gracious, incredibly loving, impossibly merciful Jesus is the thing that has kept me in my faith, is the only reason I call myself a Christian to this day. And even then, I wonder if I even am one.”
If you read my article “The Inner Turmoil of a Queer Christian,” then you’ll probably remember me talking about this a little, but I would like to add to it even more.
If it wasn’t for my love for Jesus, and His love for me, I would never say the words “I” and “Christian” in the same sentence ever again. I hate being associated with other Christians because, frankly, most of us are awful people. It’s something I’ve had to come to terms with since I grew a brain when I hit puberty. It’s something I wish wasn’t true with all of my heart, but it is. And to this day, sometimes I wonder if I am a Christian, because my Christianity looks so different from the modern day Christianity that I see everywhere, like on Facebook.
“I don’t believe the way I once believed. I feel like I’ve deconstructed my faith to it’s barest bones, so much so that it hardly resembles the faith that my parents handed to me.”
I’m not trying to get on a pedestal here and say I’m better than other Christians, ohhhh, look at me. If you knew me in real life, you would know the opposite is true. I hate to admit it, but I am so weak in faith, especially right now in my life that’s about to do a 180 into adulthood. I look at some of my Christian friends with envy, because it’s like they know God personally. I don’t know God, at least not as much I used to know him. When I was a kid, everything was so simple. Either God was true, or he wasn’t. But life is so much grayer than that. I used to hear God, or at the very least, thought I heard him. But I haven’t heard God in years and I feel like a fish without water. I feel like I’m grasping at straws here, trying to hold on to something, hold on to what I thought and believed as a kid, but it’s hard because you’re so naive as a kid. What if I was wrong? What if I wasn’t hearing God, and it was actually just my own mind playing tricks on me? What if the things I saw God do were just coincidences?
And it’s hard, it is so hard, to try to keep this faith when the people around you rake God’s name through the mud. Why would I want to be associated with people who are so ugly and prejudice and hypocritical? Is this what Christianity is supposed to look like? If it is, why would I want to be a Christian?
“And it’s not the divinity of Christ that compels me to belief. It is the humanity of Jesus that keeps me holding on to my faith.”
But I have to remind myself over and over that the problem with my faith isn’t the lack of God in my life, but how Christians treat others. How am I supposed to believe that this Man, Who has never met me, was tortured and murdered for me, so that I wouldn’t have to be? How am I supposed to believe a Man would do that for me when His own people can’t even accept that queer people can’t help being queer? How am I supposed to believe that this Man loved me so much that He would die for me, but people who actually know me, who are supposed to lead in His footsteps, can’t even tolerate me or many others whose views differ from their own?
What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to believe? Is this what I wanted as a child, to be said in the same breath as these people? Is this what I want people to think of me?
But I suppose it’s ironic, in a way, because Jesus went through the same thing, except in a way worse and horrible way. He must have been embarrassed too, seeing the Pharisees do what they do and say what they say. He didn’t want to be associated with them, either.
I was watching reviews of the movies God’s Not Dead and God’s Not Dead 2, and the reviewer was talking about how the movies made it out that Christians, in today’s world, are so “prosecuted.” He was talking about how often Christians play the victim card, that these situations that were displayed in the movies were incredibly unrealistic because they would never happen in real life–and they wouldn’t. No philosophy professor is going to make his students write “God is dead” on a piece of paper because of how much he loathes God, and even if some teacher did do it, he would be quickly fired by the dean because, well, it’s a fucking philosophy class. No school teacher is going to get sued because she answered a question that a student asked in a historical and accurate sense and then some random student would text his parents and get the teacher in trouble with the school board about it. It would never happen because these situations are ridiculous and made up and filled with plot holes, yet Christians love these movies and eat them up, claiming that they’re true, and based on real events. And that’s not even actually getting into these movies that much.
Today’s Christians love to play the victim card about how America isn’t “Christian” anymore and how today’s youth is so “sensitive” and how terrible everything is. They talk about how Obama corrupted the youth and the education system, and how everything is so “politically correct” now because people thinks it’s rude when you say words that hurt people because you don’t care. If respecting somebody when they get hurt even though you didn’t mean to hurt them is “politically correct” and not just common decency, then tattoo that on my forehead and make fun of me.
Well maybe people wouldn’t hate you if you weren’t so high and mighty about everything, about how good of a person you are, despite the fact that you think teachers shouldn’t be gay because their “gayness” will rub off on your children and how much you preach love despite having it out for anything that might somehow be a tiniest bit liberal, without even getting to know the person.
It should say something when some of your own hate being associated with you.
Ya’ll need to chill out and get back to loving people, because it’s literally the only thing Jesus told you to not fuck up, and you fucked it up.